Thursday, May 29, 2008

Starbuck Babes

My errands took me into town the other day and my last stop of the day was on the other side of the river. Most of the shopping has moved out to the "lifestyle mall" west of the old downtown, which means I rarely cross the river. Our downtown area is now home to restaurants and bars instead of retail storefronts.

On my way back out of town I passed a shopping center which is home to a very cool shop called, "Sage Creek". They were originally located closer to the country but now they're in a huge new space. I've wanted to check it out but I've never found myself in the area. This was my opportunity.

It was almost a missed opportunity. The entrances to the parking lots are very confusing. I passed one entrance and mistakenly thought I could catch the next one. Wrong. It took me into a totally different lot just west of their shop. No matter. I could walk up and over the small rise and walk the length of the building to their spot.

I parked my 10 year Pontiac (the one that tangled with a cornfield and lost) and proceeded to cross the landscaped divider to the next lot. OH NO......what's that? The first business at the end of the building is a Starbuck's. I don't drink Starbucks so this normally wouldn't be a problem except that this Starbuck's is just around the corner from the new megalicious, slick new lifestyle gym. What a megalicious lifestyle gym you ask? It's where all the hard bodies hang out and work out.

This is where people are jogging and running and swimming and sweating and elipsing and tanning and sauna-ing and hot tubbing and SPINNING!! Yes spinning like their lives depend on it. Spinning like they're riding bikes escaping from the demons of hell. Hard bodies spinning for an hour and blithely throwing a towel over their shoulders and driving their Mercedes to the Starbuck's for a Grande Caramel Macchiatto. They can afford the calories, they've just spun them all off in anticipation.

The Mercedes and the Beamers are lined up with a Ferrari thrown in for good measure. Did I mention my cornfield damaged Grand Am? The Starbuck Babes are hanging out in the sunshine, sipping their macchiato's and people watching. That means in less than 10 seconds they're going to be people watching in my direction.

Not unlike my ten-year old Pontiac, I've got some miles and some damage. I haven't tangled with a cornfield, but I've done some time with Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, a broken ankle (twice in one year) and neuropathy, which have in combination put on pounds and prevented me from spinning. And now adding insult to injury I must walk the gauntlet of beautiful Starbuck babes.

This sort of thing rarely bothers me but for some reason on this day I'm feeling like I'm back in high school, walking my nerdy self past the cheerleaders. It was deja vu all over again. I steeled myself and marched as fast as my peripheral neuropathy would allow. Once inside "Sage Creek" I was safe. Safe in the land of beautiful home accessories. Certainly the owner wouldn't judge me, after all she wanted my business.

I looked around and made some mental notes to come back and bring some cash. There were plenty of ways to spend money in that store. Twenty minutes had passed and it was time to head home and face the daily drudge of what's-for-dinner. Surely the Starbuck Babes had left for their bikini waxes.

But no! How long can you possibly nurse a macchiato? About 20 minutes it seems. I'm really not feeling up to walking the gauntlet again, wondering whether the seam in the rear of my black slacks has split open, and whether I'm wearing black undies or white.

This was ridiculous. I'm a grown woman. A grown woman who did five years of therapy to take care of this kind of nonsense. I reached deep inside, looking for those good thoughts.....looking for my inner Towanda.

"Towanda, Towanda," I cry. "Don't fail me now!"

I shut my eyes for just a second to compose myself. I hear an inner voice speaking. It's Towanda! I'm channeling Towanda!

I thrust my shoulders back, hoping to hell my underwire bra doesn't snap. I take a deep cleansing breath and charge forward. As I pass in front of the Babes I turn my head ever so slightly. My lips part and I speak, "Good afternoon ladies. Have you heard about the scientific study that shows that strenuous exercise followed by Caramel Macchiato's leads to early onset menopause?"

Yep, I'm pretty sure I saw at least one of them busting a sweat.


Mary said...

Spit take!!! Good for you, Suzanne. I used to be an aerobics instructor (30 lbs. ago) and I always feel uncomfortable walking past all the Starbucks Babes, too.

And be proud of that car -- it sounds like it's got some character. :)

Suzanne said...

WOO HOO Mary!!! You're just the person we need. You can design an aerobics class for the slightly imperfect and desperately needing exercise pre-seniors! I'm serious Mary .

I think I'm going to change your Peep status from Troll to Aerobics instructor, what do you think?

And my car.....HA! It's got the best quality of all - IT'S PAID OFF. My favorite car is one that's paid off and runs!!!

Mary, I look forward to your visit every day.


BittersweetPunkin said...

You are too funny....LOL! Thanks for the chuckle....

Just Plain Jane said...

Bless your heart. You described that so well. I could feel it in my solar plexus or somewhere in that vicinity. Discomfort personified. But you did it bravely and well.

GemStateMom said...

good thing I don't indulge in macchiatos!
(Is there cosmic significance that spellcheck doesn't like macchiatos and suggests I replace it with psychiatrist ?

And, I tagged you! Yep - seven little-known or random things to reveal about yourself. I have no idea if you've already done this, but I am fully convinced that even if you have, you've got lots more to share than 7! LOL [you can thank me later :) ]

Details at my blog.

Marty52 said...

Shades of days gone by... or yesterday, when I went to get lunch. I think I need an inner Towanda of my own!

Suzanne said...

Punkin - There you are. Thanks for thinking I'm funny. I've worn out my family over the years.

Plain Jane - I really couldn't believe that it bothered me, but I felt all eyes on me. YIKES.

Paula - Blogger spelling robot didn't like macchiato, it insisted on two T's. Thanks for the tag. I've probably got some doozies to share.

Marty - Yes, dig deep. Towanda is down there I promise.

Thanks for visiting.

KatKit13 said...

Snort - once I read "I thrust my shoulders back, hoping to hell my underwire bra doesn't snap." I busted up laughing. Perfect!

(you must read some Kris Radish, you'd love it)

Gemstatemom: macchiato/psychiatrist?? ROFLOLBAG (busting a gut!)

GemStateMom said...

for the sake of full disclosure, I should note that I don't engage in strenuous exercise before not indulging in a caramel machiatto either.

My comment left the impression that I did the one without the other....NOT!
(But my PT would be happy to learn I have begun my PT exercises this morning.)

Vee ~ A Haven for Vee said...

Hahahaha...loved it! I feel so intimidated by those "types." I avoid them like the plague.

Heather said...