Thursday, April 2, 2009

Klingons in Da House

People are generally taken aback when I mention the fact that I did seven year hard time. I don't look like your run of the mill criminal and I'm not.

My hard time wasn't spent jail, it was WORKING RETAIL. It wasn't a lovely, high end establishment selling $40 cake pans. Nope. It was working for the world's largest retailer - Gag Mart.

Long story short, our family was in dire need of family insurance coverage and subsequently I was stuck in the job until pre-existing condition laws changed.

I could write a book and perhaps someday I will do just that, but for today I'll share a chapter I'd entitle:

My co-worker Liz and I shared the responsibilities of managing the fabrics and crafts department. Being surrounded by fabric made me very happy, dealing with the general public did not.

One afternoon a man entered our department and began rifling through the bolts of fabric that were stacked on large tables in our department. It quickly became apparent that he was becoming agitated. He marched up to the cutting table and demanded to know where we kept our fake fur and fake leather.

Liz informed him that they were not a part of our regular inventory and that normally we only carried them around Halloween. It was at this point that all hell broke loose.

"Don't you realize that the Klingon convention is less than four weeks away?" the man bellowed.

Liz and I stood stock still, unsure of what our response should be and equally unsure as to whether this man carried a Klingon death ray. My mind raced, "Klingons? KLINGONS?? There are Klingons in the Fox River Valley? Who knew?"

The plain clothes Klingon demanded to speak with the store manager and Liz gladly paged Joey-the-chauvinist to the department. The Klingon proceeded to scream at our chauvinist store manager and I basked in the glow of the two morons.

Klingons are tenacious and this one demanded a meeting with the district manager. Sure enough, two weeks later Liz and I found ourselves seated around a cheap banquet table in a depressing room in the back of the store. There we sat, with a Klingon wannabe, a chauvinistic store manager and a district manager who thought this was a good idea.

I will assure you that there's not enough money in the world to pay you to sit at table with a Klingon.

The Klingon had his day. The buyers scrounged a ton of fake fur and leather which they unceremoniously dumped on our department. The Klingons had their convention and all was well with the world.

Two weeks later a Civil War re-enactor marched into our department.

Just a hint - never use the word "costume" in their presence, OK?


FarmHouse Style said...

Too funny! I thought Klingons were supposed to be a gentle, peaceable race... NO?


Anonymous said...

Gawd. I sure hope the Klingons do not cross state lines...

The Blue Ridge Gal

Susan said...

This is so funny, you couldn't make this up in a million years!!

Becky said...

A true laugh-out-loud story!!! Thanks for sharing. I am anxiously waiting for your book!!!! :) Becky

Jenni said...

LOL! How could you not know the Klingon convention was coming up? Do you live under a rock or something? Sheesh!

Marfa said...

Yes, I believe I know that Klingon, here in my neck of the wood we also call him Moron :-)

chocolatechic said...


Just as long as there is wool and muslin in the department, the Civil War people will be happy.

Heather said...

Klingons can be an intimidating bunch. I try to avoid them at all costs. I can't believe you survived Shmal Shmart for SEVEN years. I can barely survive shopping there for 15 minutes.

arlene said...

So, does that establishment still have a selection of fake fur and leather? Or has there been enough Halloweens to deplete the stock. Or maybe there has been another Klingon Konvention? GREAT story! How about another??????

Domestic Diva said...

Just wait till the Hobbit convention!

Vee said...


See now you wouldn't really have wanted to miss that experience for the world, right? LOL!

Jody Blue said...

Thanks for the chuckle!

srp said...

Thank goodness he wasn't a Romulan! ;)

Trish said...

Oh in the world don't you write a Erma Bombeck did, you have the knack lady!

Suzanne said...

Rhonda - I didn't know a thing about Klingons. Since the man was screaming I assumed they were volatile!

Di - I think they do. Stay out of Wal Mart.

Susan - No, nor the other thousand or so incidents that happened in that store.

Becky - The book is brewing.

Jenni - I am so naive when it comes to these Star Trek things. I need to become better informed.

Marfa - HA. Well, I can't say they are all morons, just this particular Klingon.

Chocolatechic - You are correct. It must be 100% wool, although hand loomed would be preferred. And only 100% cotton preferably homespun. And buttons made from shell, not plastic. No zippers. Oh, the list goes on and on.

Heather - I have to be without any other options before I'll enter that store.

Arlene - Well, they probably WOULD still have some fake fur and leather except for the fact that after WalMart shut down all the local competition they decided to quit carrying fabric!!!! Not kidding.

Domestic Diva - Bite your tongue!!

Vee - You're probably right. What would I talk about? Someday I'll tell you about the Turquoise Couple. They were sweet.

Jody Blue - We should all start out the day with a laugh.

SRP - Romulan? Now you've gone and mentioned them they're sure to move into the area.

Trish - Thanks so much for the compliment. Actually I was going to order a book on Amazon - The Egg & I. Have you ever read it?

Thanks everyone for visiting with me today. I enjoy your company.

Louise said...

I think retail would be worse than hard time!

Hilarious punchline!

Jill said...

Bless you for working retail... it takes a thick skinned person to handle such strong personalities these days!

As for the Klingon - I'm mighty amazed that the store actually listened to his demands and brought in the fabric. Wow...