Monday, April 21, 2008

Death by Underwire

Time is running out for me. Each day I'm living under borrowed time. Unfortunately recent events have dictated that I will need to go shopping soon. Have you ever heard of life-saving shopping trips?

What precipitated this emergency was that fact that in the last couple of weeks my final two bras suffered severe equipment failure. Let's just say that I was running the risk of being front page news.


Over the years I've graduated from training bra to sexy bra, to nursing bra and finally the precision engineered underwire model. That's quite a journey. I simplified the matter a couple of years ago when I stumbled upon a well fitting design. I'd buy up two in every color and be done with the matter for awhile. But then disaster struck. The manufacturer quit making the style and also adjusted their sizing. My plan was shot to bits and I was back at square one.

I was thinking of calling The Mother for advice. She worked in the lingerie department of a snooty high-end department store for awhile. As part of her duties she was required to fit bras. I really don't want to know what that task entails. It sure doesn't sound like anything I'd like to do, but I thought that perhaps she might have some suggestions on how to get a good bra that fits. This is certainly something I should know at this point in my life, but hey, I was off raising the next generation of responible adults.

A quick search on Dogpile reveals that there's something in the lingerie world called a "balconette" bra. I come from the generation that only had a few types of bras, either the cotton granny-type bra or the Dixie cup pointy bra.

I was left dumbounded as to what a balconette might be. Unfortunately my "girls" would never sit on a balcony and due to gravity they'll be sitting in the orchestra pit.

Wonders never cease. Not only is there a balconette bra, there's a Lingerie Glossary to explain the terms to all of us unenlightened folks. And seriously, I thought I knew it all.

There are M#rry Widows (gotta be careful how you spell these things because the naughty b0ys search this stuff) and Teddiette's. Who knew?

Trust me, I will get this situation under control, and hopefully before I'm mortally wounded.

I might even find something in black!

In the tradition of our local paper, the newspaper story above contains a typo. Can you find it?


Paula Bauer said...

I hate to admit it, but I spotted the typo first off...confirming my kids' lament over my grammar-Nazi-ish tendencies.

I have never heard any of those terms you noted. My lingerie journey over the years parallels yours. The remaining travel seems mostly headed south. Gotta love the effects of gravity.

This all brings to mind an observation recently shared by a did a certain clothing retailer ever seized upon 'Sag Harbor' as a good name for their woman's clothing line? Hmmmm...maybe brought about by truth-in-advertising laws?

Mary said...

Lord, I am howling with laughter, tears streaming...I hate shopping for underwear -- once every decade seems about right.
Oh, and the typo is "stabby" in the lead...

C.C. said...

So funny - I nearly shot coffee out my nose! I just don't do underwire. Can't risk puncturing a lung or being otherwise stabbyed! Good luck with the bra shopping. It's a mystery. I'm still wearing a bra that I bought at Wal-Mart 10 years ago...please do not point out how sad that is...I know...

Vee ~ A Haven for Vee said...

"After being stabby" puts a whole new light on things! LOL!

"Dixie cup pointy"? ROFL! I remember those.

Not to bring up personal stuff back here, but my fond wish is for a padded bra and I don't care what size ends that possibility. No pointy other tidbits, puhlease!

Is this really going to bring out the frat boys? You can not imagine what doing a post on eyebrows has done for my readership! :D

PamKittyMorning said...

I'm hoping I never get stabbied by my bra, well not enough so that it ends up in the paper.

M#rry Widow cracked me up, my mother always talked about those .. like that dress is so fitted you'll need to get a m#erry widow to wear under it. The thought pains me.

jazzi said...

Hello, I came here by way of Vee's Haven!
Underwires are stabby, indeed. I haven't had the courage to change styles in years. I'll be in trouble for sure if my brand is discontinued!

IowaCowgirl said...

Too funny!!

Check out
"Title IX" apparel:

The frog bra is the best thing in the civilized world; I ride horses and there is no bounce.

Suzanne said...

Paula - Not to worry. I need a grammar Nazi and an editor? Want the job? Seriously, in the future I'd like to refer to you as the grammar Nazi and link to your site. (Only if that's OK with you.) Yeah, Sag Harbor. What were they thinking? HA HA.

Mary - You're always a girl after my own heart. Once a decade is MORE than enough, unless you're a Victoria's Secret model.

C.C. - Please don't ruin a perfectly good keyboard on my account. Be sure to cover it with a dishtowel every morning before you read my blog. OK? Bra from WalMart? Only 10 years old. I got you beat. I'm still wearing one that I got at Walmart when I was WORKING for Walmart over ten years ago. Now, you want to talk about sad?

Vee - Padded bra? You only wish for a padded bra? I think you need to set your sights higher.....water bra!!! That's it. Underwire water bra, so you can release your own tsunami.

Pam Kitty - M#rry Widows were invented by engineers. I'm sure of it. Just don't tell my nephew-the-engineer I said so.

Jazzi - Oh, I'm so glad you found this place. We need some more company. I'm praying that your brand isn't ditched. It's not fun.

Hey CowGirl - You're not too far from me, only one state over. Practically neighbors. I checked out that site and had to laugh when the frog bra was described as a major masher bra. Most sports bras are like that but they are great at keeping things from bouncing around. I think I love the A/C bra which promised to cool down those hot flashes. Thanks for the link.

And thanks to all who take time out of there busy days to visit here. I really appreciate it.

- Suzanne

BittersweetPunkin said...

I thought the typo was dumbounded....
love your post today...I am in desperate need of bras..I usually get them in my Christmas Stocking but I told DH not to bother...I'm losing weight and I always lose my mammories first..before anywhere else...LOL

Rue said...

I feel your pain. I'm about to be stabby-ed too. LOL you are too funny ;)


Paula Bauer said...

Heh heh - feel free to refer to me however. But I freely confess that I'm terrible at proofing my own writing...I just spotted two errors in my first comment here! LOL

It's easier to spot others mistakes because it's new material. When I read my own stuff, my brain sees what I intended to say...not what I actually typed.

If I can help you out, you only need to holler.

Suzanne said...

Punkin, Punkin, Punkin - Don't you know he's supposed to leave you diamonds in the Christmas stocking?

Rue - Please tell my family. They don't think I'm funny at all. Just wierd.

Paula - OK. You're the official Grammar Nazi for this blog.

Marty52 said...

I feel your pain... LOL!! My most favorite bra just got discontinued and I am so upset. I HATE underwires and can't wear any kind of padding 'cause it itches. ***sigh*** If I didn't have to work, I'd give up on bras totally.

Janet said...

Well this has certainly been a fun conversation; I must remember to stop by here more often. They DID discontinue the only "over the shoulder boulder holder" that fit me well and now I can only hope the ones I have last a long, long time. Just the thought of finding a new one (and paying for it, Good Lord) is enough to bring on the vapors.


Cindy L said...

Well, I was feeling a little stabby this week, until I read your delightful post this morning. (Health issues with aging parents have been a challenge for me lately.) Your blog always makes my day, Suzanne! Thanks for the laughs today!

Oh -- I have been in the market for new underwear too. I fell in love with Hanro of Switzerland (available through the Garnet Hill catalog) but they're sooooo expensive.