Thursday, July 17, 2008

Fort Knox of Toilet Tissue

HERE'S MY HOROSCOPE:
Be careful not to disclose family matters to people who aren't involved, even if it seems innocent to you. What you say might be misunderstood or misconstrued.

KEEP THAT IN MIND AS YOU READ THIS STORY.

The Farmer is out of town on business and that's a good thing because it allowed me the chance to get over to Sam's Club and buy a stockpile of toilet tissue. I was on a budget so I only bought 40 rolls this trip, usually I buy at least 80. Why? Because the Farmer gets very, very nervous if the toilet tissue stockpile falls below a certain level.

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I'm serious. It causes him some type of psychological distress. If he sees there are only 2 or 3 rolls in the linen closet he starts to panic. You'd think that the linen closet was a nuclear reactor threatening to melt down and the rolls of toilet paper were the only thing keeping us from doom. I'm not quite sure what it's all about. I don't think his family ever used a Sears & Roebuck catalog, that would have be MY family! He was stationed at Fort Knox so maybe he developed this stockpiling behavior in the Army.

I dream about getting creative with 80 rolls of toilet paper. Perhaps I could construct a model of the Taj Mahal or the Great Pyramid at Giza. Perhaps not. I think the pyramid would require at least 120 rolls but after a quick attempt .....


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it's apparent that it would require some engineering skills and at least 1,200 rolls of toilet paper. The budget just won't stand for that.

We have 2 bathrooms and 2 half baths which means if you divide the 40 rolls equally you'll only have 10 rolls in each closet. That's below his comfort level so I've taken to cheating. I place a few rolls in the half baths, storing the remainder in our bathroom.

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Toilet paper oddities continue through the generations. The Farmer's Son could care less but the Farmer's Daughter comes to visit she brings her own super-soft toilet paper. She has declared that the stuff I buy in bulk is equal to using a piece of kindling wood. That's quite a graphic image, isn't it?

To clear up any controversy concerning the display of toilet paper, it should come up and OVER the top. Why is this the correct method? Because it allows you to impress your guests with your expertise in origami folding.

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Fort Knox The linen closet is re-stocked, the planets are aligned and all is right with the world.

Remember my horoscope? Let me ask you.....

- As readers of my blog, you're involved, right?
- Did you misunderstand?
- Did you misconstrue?

Good. I didn't think so.

41 comments:

Marie Reed said...

That's pretty hilarious that your daughter brings her own TP! I'm a stockpiler too. I have enough shower gel for the next 10 years!

Jacki said...

Oh he must be related to my mom! I, on the other hand, am not a stockpiler of toilet paper. I hate to admit it, but there are times we have to use tissue or napkins until I get to the store. Toilet paper is just not something I remember to buy all the time!!

Mamahut said...

OMG that is so funny! I too am a stockpiler. I think it's cuz we live so far from town. I used to keep the T.P. under the sink. Yeah, thats not a good place when you spring a leak. I too have an entire shelf for the t.p. in my linen closet. It makes me all warm and fuzzy to have that shelf full and my pantry full of at least one extra jar of everything.

LIBERTY POST EDITOR said...

Well, men don't usually use toilet paper for 'pee', so it must be for #2 and I see you have invested in the correct brand. 'Poo. Odour.Mess.' (POM...But I won't tell anyone.)

Vee ~ A Haven for Vee said...

Fun, fun, fun!

The carpenter suggests 80 rolls in the full baths and 40 in the half-baths. He's beginning to be somewhat concerned about "the fodder" comment of a few days ago after reading this post.
:D

Just wanted to let you know that I am in the middle of apron building. I don't know if I'm doing okay yet or not. Would you believe that the extra large, tall shirt was not long enough for the pattern either? Good thing you gave the remedy.

Have a great day...hope that you're out of the tile business by now.

jazzi said...

We all have our insecurities about something, eh? I always have to have a spare package of toilet paper (4 or 6 pack) hidden away somewhere that no one knows about. That way, if there would be a TOILET PAPER EMERGENCY, there's a backup!
There's always Kleenex, though.

Graham Shenanigans said...

That's hilarious. I can completely underdstand though. My teenage girls go thru about 2 rolls a day!! That's when it's only the 2 of them at home!!! It seems we are always running out of TP!!

Too funny!!

J'Ollie Primitives said...

Nothing says security like eighty rolls of TP.

DebraK from ~the Bunnies Bungalow~ said...

Yep I can relate, my H needs a stockpile too, but not 80 rolls! Over the top here at our house too.
Love this post!
Hugs, DebraK

Mary said...

That's too funny! Do you remember the theme song from the old TV show "Branded?" When they were kids, my husband's friend made up new lyrics to go to that tune:

Stranded, stuck on the toilet bowl!
What do you do when you're stranded
And you don't have a roll?

You know you're a man when you wipe it with your hand!

Stranded, stuck on a toilet bowl!
What do you do when you're stranded
And you don't have a roll?

Sorry, but those were the lyrics...

Wishing The Farmer rolls aplenty!
xoxo,
Mary

Amy said...

My sister is a toilet paper freak, but her issue is getting it on sale. Everytime she finds it at a good price she's off to get some.

Cindy La Ferle said...

You've got me laughing this morning. I thought I was the only one who freaked out when the stockpile of TP is down to less than a dozen rolls. I didn't even grow up during the Depression. But when there's something I need -- or particularly like -- I have to buy in multiples. Is it any wonder I'm always wistful about paring down and living a simpler life with less stuff...?

Louise said...

It's a bad thing to run out of toilet paper, but usually women are the ones concerned about that.

I always take my own toilet paper AND paper towels when I visit my dad. I take my two girls with me, and we just go through way more than I feel comfortable using up in someone else's house for our prolonged visits.

And I don't think anyone should misunderstand anything!

dara said...

I have been know to take TP to my sister in law's house. She buys the one ply see through kind that no matter how much you use it is never enough.
I firmly believe in stock piling it. I have had to call from the phone in the bathroom upstairs to the daughter on her cell phone to have a roll delivered because someone used the last and didn't change the roll.

Pat said...

I totally understand where the farmer is coming from. There's nothing worse then running out of TP at the wrong time. That and Diet Pepsi must be stock piled in my house at all times. No exceptions.

Dejoni said...

Just say NO to bad TP. It just ain't right.

Heidi said...

LOL!!! See men really do have toilet issues until they are grown men and after!!! LOl what I found hilarious was that your daughter brings her own!!! That is SO FUNNY!! But, I must confess - I like a lot of tp in the house.... there I said it, hate me! LOL My reasoning is that ya never know when explosive diareaha will hit and with 5 men in the house it can travel pretty darn fast!!! LOL

Mrs. Parks said...

Ok, since toilet paper is the topic of the day, let me ask you this.....
Whatever happened to colored toilet paper and even more important....SCENTED toilet paper.
This has been on my mind for years. I think you have just inspired my post of the day.
Toilet paper.

Jeanne said...

As usual you gave me the best laugh of the day so far. My husband is just as bad. He goes around making sure we are toilet paper fixed. He uses six times more than me. He only uses it for.....well you know. I gave up storage when we sold our large home to build this one and I can only store so much. Love your sense of humor. Take care, Jeanne

Tiffany said...

Oh no, Suzaaannneee... TP on sale is very bad news indeed.This is how it starts.

Be careful or soon TP will be piling atop your extra fridge and your freezer. You'll start finding it in drawers and in the trunk of your car. You'll go to reach under your bed for a book and you'll come up with a roll of TP. In 25 years, your kids and grandkids will find it, dusty and brittle, out in the garage behind the paint cans.

Oh Suzanne. Do be careful!I will not worry as long as you limit your storage to just the linen closets. But if I see it getting past that, I will have to call for an intervention.

corine said...

Is 'misconstrued' that feeling one gets when one is unable go to the bathroom for an extended period of time?

lifeinredshoes said...

My husband could have written this same post about me! I grew up poor, and I won't go into further detail about what we used. Suffice it to say it left me scared for life and I now am a TP hoarder. Bear with him Suzanne, he could hoard Spam.

Heather said...

I got your back, sister! No misconstruing going on here. I can respect the t.p. phobia. It would be bad. Real, real bad to run out of such an essential.

Dana said...

I am the Keeper Tracker of the Toilet Paper here, too,but it is I, not the King, who worries about supply levels. This was first apparent early on in our marriage when he opened the linen closet and was nearly beat to death by falling rolls. He turned to me and said "Are you expecting a diarrhea epidemic?" Ya never know. Gads, I love your blog!! You are so entertaining!

LivingTheLife said...

This is my first time to visit and to comment...your post had me "cracking" up...no pun intended!
My sweet hubbin has a bit of a TP phobia...not so much that we have an abudance of it around...he is just particular as to what brand he likes...something about being "squeezably soft"...gets him everytime...however, since he has been on the road traveling a lot lately, he is just happy to have 2-ply!!

My son used to "hide" the toilet paper when he was younger...he and our daughter both had rooms upstairs with their own bathrooms...seems...sister would "steal" some of her bubba's TP when he wasn't looking...instead of heading downstairs for spares...she just took his...he got to where he started hiding it...in of all places...an English riding hat I had on the wall in his bathroom for decorations. One day I took the hat off to dust it...and found 1 roll of TP stuffed in it...it was a perfect fit...AND I kept his secret!

TP...funny topic...now I will sign off...using my initials...T.P.!!

Blessings....
T

Jill said...

I'm a fan of overstocking T.P. too - you can never have too much!

As long as it's two ply, it doesn't matter to me which brand it is...

BTW - if you ever find you've overstocked, you're welcome to send some t.p. my way in India... I hear that the stuff they have there is some serious sandpaper on your tush.

ELLOUISESTORY said...

Very funny. Glad I stopped by for the first time today.

TSannie said...

One can never have too much toilet paper. Never.

Suzanne said...

Marie - Well, you never know when they'll stop manufacturing shower gel, so I think you're very wise.

Jacki - I wouldn't really worry about it but the Farmer has me well trained I guess.

Mamahut - I agree that I like several jars of everything in the pantry and I do love to stockpile toothpaste of all things.

Liberty Editor - You know I'm waiting for an e-mail from POM - they need to advertise on my site!

Vee - You tell the Carpenter that the Farmer said there's nothing to worry about. Being Blog Fodder is painless. After the first few pinches that is. I'm glad to hear that you've started on the apron. Just let me know if you hit any snags.

Jazzi - I know those toilet paper emergencies can be dangerous.

Graham - Two rolls a day??? Well, I'm sure they use some of it to dab mascara.

J'ollie - Well, except for a stash of chocolate.

DebraK - OK, don't tell him about the 80 rolls or he's going to want that many too.

Maru - That is too funny. Very clever lyrics. For some reason I'm not remembering Branded. I'm trying to sing the lyrics to Rawhide!

Amy - I don't make time for hunting for TP sales, I guess I'm lazy cause I just like the jumbo size box.

Cindy - I agree about buying in multiples, especially, like you said, those products we love. The minute I find a face cream that I love they quit manufacturing it. Every time.

Louise - You are a good guest. NO, you are a GREAT guest. How thoughtful of you. But your dad already knew that.

Dara - They still make 1-ply? And I'm glad to know that someone's else family calls from room to room on the cell phone.

Pat - I agree, except for some reason I decided to give up soda. I'm still missing the carbonation.

Dejoni - I just recently gave up soda and cheap bed linens. I've got to break myself of habits a little at a time.

Heidi - Yes, five men and intestinal disorders can be a recipe for disaster without enough TP.

Mrs. Parks - Really!!! What DID happen to colored toilet paper and the kind with the pretty patterns printed on it.

Jeanne - I'm sure if we build a home the Farmer will have the architect include plenty of storage space just for this purpose.

Tiffany - Under the bed!!! You're a genius. No need to call Dr. Drew just yet.

Corine - You are a very funny girl.

Red Shoes - I'm very OK with it, I just like to tease him. I've used the Sears brand many times.

Heather - Phew, I was worried. I'm wondering if the Farmer would be doing the misconstruing, but he's busy out of town and hasn't had time to see what I'm up to.

Dana - I bet he was wondering, OH NO...what have I gotten myself into?

T.P. - You're kidding right? Your son is very creative in his concealment skills.

Jill - I would be glad to send a little bit of home over to India.

Elloise - Oh, I'm so glad you stopped by today.

Tsannie - I will concede, agree and cry uncle. The Farmer is right!!

Thanks for visiting today and playing along with my little silliness.

- Suzanne

ReluctantFarmChik said...

I love your blog. You live like I do . . . nine miles from everything. I'm very new to blogging, looking forward to jumping in with both feet. Thanks for the inspiration! My Prince Farming has toilet issues too - not just paper though - the whole thing. "Vaht vas his relashionchip liyk vis his musser?" You've got to wonder, huh?

Warren said...

Wow! I'd hate to see his reaction to living in my house! He'd have a break down!

Vie Chaotique said...

I am laughing out loud. Since getting married I had to upgrade and the artist has been known to take his own when travelling. Now I have to admit I had a survival training in Costa Rica with me and 13 guys. I took my own camping paper which made me the "butt" of many a joke. But when we were in the jungle you know who became most popular don't you? Lastly I use to work with a guy whose father would not go for the entire time that they were on family vacation a week. I still don't know how this is possible or what issues the poor man has. But anyway my friend;s telling of the story of pulling into the driveway and pushing the family to be the first in the house is priceless.

Anonymous said...

With my husband, it's milk. There must be milk in the fridge, or the world ends NOW.

SAHM

Karen said...

The Farmer and my hubby are very alike, in that aspect at least. J does not like it when we have only a couple of rolls left. He also gets very nervous when he sees the bath soap stash dwindling.

Christine said...

ROTFL!! My husband has the SAME issue! It's so strange I always figured he was the only one. Your post just brought tears to me eyes.

Angela said...

I am laughing so hard at this. My Dad is the exact same way, only with EVERYTHING. Like shaving cream (must have zillions of cans handy at all times), toothpaste, kleenex etc. I remember back before there was Sam's/Costco, he would order paper towels/toilet tissue/kleenex from the local paper supply co. By the truckload! Hilarious!

srp said...

Perhaps it is a man thing... my 80 year old father is exactly the same. We have to have rolls of toilet paper popping out all over for him to be in his comfort zone. And let me tell you... NO one obsesses more than an 80 year old!!!!

Significant Snail said...

my dad is the same way about milk..mind you it's only my mom and him to drink it, but there has to be at least a full gallon at all times.

Carol VR said...

I remember watching a frugal woman on Donahue as a kid who would actually pull the plys apart and reroll them so as to stretch the toilet paper further. Could you imagine?!?

Rue said...

I was laughing so hard Rich came in here and read it LOL

Anonymous said...

I am the same way as your husband. I don't like it when the toilet paper gets too low. It does indeed give one a warm and fuzzy feeling when you open the pantry and see that if there was a run on TP today, you don't have to worry for at least four mounths. LOL!!