Thursday, August 21, 2008

Living Under a Rock

I live out in the country, that's true, but sometimes it becomes painfully apparent to me that I've actually been living under a rock all these years. Seriously.

Many of my stories percolate for awhile, or I see something and file it away until all the pieces stick. Today was one of those days when stuff started sticking together. You will never guess where this story is heading, I promise you that.

After two horrible days in the basement dealing with grout haze, mild solutions of Sulfamic acid and rubber gloves I decided to treat myself to something special. A full body massage would have been terrific but that requires appointments and lots of moola, so I decided instead to drive the 14 miles to the nearest Barnes and Noble bookstore. It's closer than the Borders and it has about 5 AISLES dedicated to magazines. They must have 500 different magazines and heaven knows, I love magazines! I'm a magazine editor's dream.

I grabbed a stack of decorating, quilting and other mags and headed to a table. Ahhhh. wonderful. Nobody questioning me about what's for dinner or asking for a progress report on the remodeling, just me and my periodicals. I settled on the latest issue of Better Homes & Gardens which contained an entire spread on PIE. What a bargain at $3.49. Then I headed over to the bargain book section and found the most fabulous book called Cupcakes by Pamela Clark. The cupcakes and the photography are so scrumptious you could skip the baking and just eat the book. Do we see a pattern emerging here? Never go into a bookstore when you're hungry.

Around the corner there was a little book entitled, "How to Pee Standing Up - Tips for Hip Chicks" by Anna Skinner. I kid you not. Somebody wrote this book, somebody published it and Barnes & Noble is selling it.

I've never been accused of being a hip chick, and although I envy the short lines at the men's bathrooms I've never, ever wanted to pee standing up. It could have it benefits though, especially if you're dressed to the nine's at a fancy function. Usually that scenario involves a girdle foundation garment and as difficult as it is to peel off, it's three times harder to squeeze everything back into it. I don't think I need to go into how many times I've found fake fingernails trapped in my foundation garment at the end of the evening.

The book title made me think of something I saw one evening while I was reading Matt's blog. If you haven't read it, there's a sad back story and there is a bit of cussing. Be forewarned. He's a single dad who takes his baby daughter everywhere and takes photos everywhere also. So, I'm reading a post about his day at a Minnesota Twins game. Innocent enough. At some point he needed to change his daughters diaper so he went into the men's bathroom, changed the baby and took a photo. (Click on the story link above and scroll down)

WHAT THE HELL???? Seriously, what the hell is that????

I called out to the Farmer who was dozing in his Barcalounger.

"You guys pee in a trough??" I yelled.

"Wha?? What??" he mumbled.

"Seriously, men pee in a trough??" I screamed back in horror.

"What do mean?" he ventured, a bit afraid of where this was going.

"I'm looking at a picture taken in the bathroom at a major league ballpark and these men are peeing in a trough. I know a trough when I see one. My family are bona fide, card carrying, outhouse using country folk who slopped hogs in a trough. This is a trough, a really long one too. It's like three troughs bolted together."

The Farmer acted as if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck. Yes, I fell off the turnip truck. I vaguely knew about ick, ick...urinals...but I never dreamed that men peed in troughs. Did you know this? Am I the only one in the dark about this fact?

"Do you pee in a trough when you go to the ballpark?" I asked.

SILENCE ....... sounds of crickets chirping as he contemplates my naivete.

"You mean my SON pees in a trough too?"

More silence.

It was simply more than I could take. I poured myself a gin and tonic and went to bed, hoping for dreams and not nightmares. I was never so happy to be a woman than after that photo. Forget the luck of the Irish, I drew the luck of the chromosome. Hooray for me!

Can I get an Amen somebody?


Vee ~ A Haven for Vee said...

You're so right! I never imagined that segue! :D

Vee ~ A Haven for Vee said...

Oh, yes, amen!

StitchinByTheLake said...

Amen and Amen and Amen! I don't even want to think about how many of them don't wash their hands.
:( :( :( blessings, marlene

Mary said...

No, I did not know that. Forgive my curiosity, but does the trough have sections? Are there lines of demarcation on the floor? How close do they have to stand to each other?

I'm sorry, but YOU brought it up... and now I am never going to be able to look at pigs in quite the same way.


chocolatechic said...

Peeing in a trough??? No Way!!!

Thank God I am a woman!

Willow Witch said...

Well this explains the condition of their shoes! I thought it was just careless sloshing with the beer but it is splatter! Oh Gross, who do you think picks up the shoes and puts them where they belong. Now I need a drink, where is my friend Jack and Coke?

Willow Witch said...

Oh and by the way Im gonna go wash my hands! :( yuck!

Suzanne said...

Seriously, click on the link and scroll down to the photo.....IF YOU DARE.

- Suzanne

BittersweetPunkin said...

LOL....yeah...they do!

Cindy La Ferle said...

Can you hear the loud one ("Amen", I mean) coming from Michigan? Oh, and I loved the theme playing today!

Janet said...

Oh, this makes me laugh! My two sons have always told me bizarre information and apparently nothing is sacred. I remember peeing from laughter while they explained the "rules" which apparently they are born knowing. Something in their DNA. For example: if there are five urinals in a row and you are the only one in you gravitate to an even number,usually #4. You never stand next to someone unless all other positions are full. Stalls are not used for peeing, but spending an inordinate amount of time reading the newspaper is OK. It is also OK to pass sections of the paper to others who have run out of reading material.(No foot tapping, though) No, Mary, there are no sections in the trough and the
same rules apply ( see urinal rules above).


corine said...

Men pee in a THROUGH!!!??

Is there a little space left under your rock? I want to curl up in there right this minute.

corine said...

An even scarier thought: Does all the pee gather and gently slopes toward a common drain, like a river ya know...?

belladella said...

Yes, I would have never guessed where this post ended up! Men's bathrooms are just plain weird. I don't get it. I am so happy to be a woman!

IowaCowgirl said...

Amen! Ha! I too, need to get off the farm and visit B&N. And I too LOVE the magazine racks.

Rene said...

You get an Amen from me sista!!! Boys are gross...period!

bv said...

dear "wife"
1-you are beautiful in your jewels.
2-regarding Blue Moonlight. as blogging is a diversion for the author it is also a diversion for the reader. my son died 2 years ago, then my big brother. now my mom is on the slippery path downward. you make me laugh and think and brighten my day. whatever way we find to manage, it is easier when we can laugh. keep up your good work.
3-don't EVEN try to pee standing up. it doesn't work at ALL.

Karen said...

Ooohhhh, Suzanne, I love that song.


I've been eyeing that Cupcake book. I think it's the same one that was featured in the Women's Weekly recently. Had some lovely cupcakes on the cover, that were decorated with flowers and butterflies. Really cool...

BTW...your comment about the original homeland security poster had me chuckling out loud. It's recess at the moment and a couple of the kids wandered over to see what Mrs H was laughing about. :-)

Karen said...

Good grief!!! They do pee in a trough...

Simple Answer said...

AMEN! U are not alone. I was equally as naive. No wonder the line is so short.

lifeinredshoes said...

Oh Hell Suzanne, I love it when my thoughts come together too.I have never heard of peeing in a trough, but it does explain alot.

Louise said...

Can you HEAR me laughing! Excellent writing on this one.

Personally, I vaguely remember hearing about the troughs, but I try to block all of that kind of icky stuff out of my memory. Yes, lucky chromosomes. Why do they think we have penis envy or any other kind of envy?????

Significant Snail said...

wow...I made it 47 years without seeing trough (other than on a farm). I'd have been happy to go another 47 years without knowing! You sure know how to move from pie to pee in no time!!

Cottage Rose said...

Well Suzanne I did not know about the trough. No wonder men get in and out so fast, they don't have to wait on a open one. They just share one huge one. And they say women are weird when we go the the bathroom together. lol' Hope your dreams are good ones.


Julianne said...

Somewhere, in the deep, dark corners of my mind, I knew about the urine trough. I knew that was why the lines at men's restrooms are so short. I could have lived my whole life without that image though. Thanks.

Suzanne said...

Vee - I'm sneaky that way. Actually as someone mentioned pie and pee is one post is gross. Say that ten times fast.

Marlene - Three X amen! I'm sure they don't wash their hands. They can't possibly. They come out of there too quickly.

Mary - I know, I know. I really don't want to know the ins and outs of these things. I pity the fool that has to clean that bathroom.

Chocolatechic - I swear. Ask Superman.

Willow Witch - I never thought about the shoes...ewwww, gross again. I love your friend Jack. Remind me to tell you about the story about the Farmer's deed for a portion of the J.D. Distillery! Really.

Punkin - You knew this and you never told us?

Cindy - I heard the Amen echoing across Lake Michigan - loud and clear! You know, when I clicked on "I Am Woman" on Playlist to preview the song I said to myself, "Wow, I really love Helen Reddy's voice". The song was written when we were all enthusiastic and hopeful.

Janet - You have the scoop....from the source. I'm impressed but still I'm happy to have been in the dark until now.

Corine - There's plenty of room. I have a very, very big rock. And yes, it flows like a river. Double, triple yuck.

Bella Della - I accidently went into a men's bathroom at a snooty country club one time. Luckily there was hardly anyone in the clubhouse at the time. The bathroom was really fancy with a private room separate from the area with the sinks. I didn't realize what I'd done until I walked out of the room and saw the urinals around the corner. YIKES!!!

Iowa Girl - Get thee to a Barnes and Noble.

Rene - Thanks for your amen support.

BV - Thanks so much for visiting and thanks for your words. As writers we can never know on what ears our words will fall. It is my hope that I can help everyone get through their day, as others do for me. I'm sorry for your loss, I'm helping my best friend deal with the loss of her daughter.

Karen - I think I provided the link to the Cupcake book. It's actually published by Barnes and Noble, so their bookstore is sure to have it in stock.

Simple Answer - Now you know, but I don't think we should let on with the guys that we know their secret. I'd just be sure to ask them if they washed their hands when they exit.

Red Shoes - It answers questions I never even knew to ask.

Louise - Yes, I heard you laughing. No envy here either. I don't want any dangling participles.

Significant Snail - I agree. I'm going to take some kind of forgetfulness drug to forget that photo.

Alaura - Exactly! They can never again say anything about women going to the bathroom together. They don't know that we go in there to talk about THEM.

Julianne - Sorry, I take it back. Don't go look at the photo. Too late, huh?

Thanks everyone for visting with me today. It's raining here. Hopefully the sun will be shining tomorrow.

- Suzanne

Life on Bonnie Lane said...

This was freaking hilarious! I didn't realize men peed in a trough either, though after working cleaning bathrooms in a factory, I have learned that no man, no matter how cultured, has good aim.

I actually did go to the picture, and oh good heavens, there are men actually using the trough! I laughed so hard that I almost needed to use a trough myself...make that a toilet. I need to sit down to do my business.

Matt's blog is awesome by the way. Yes, very sad story.


StitchinByTheLake said...

I was telling my daughter about your post and she told this story: she and her husband were at a rock concert where most folks were drinking more than they should have. Her husband went to the bathroom and when he returned told her he was peeing in the trough when two women came in, tired of standing in line in the women's bathroom, dropped their jeans, backed up and peed in the trough right alongside the men. Guess they weren't in line when God handed out brains. blessings, marlene

MJ said...

Oh my Word!!! I have heard of the trough and at the time I was quite equally surprised and disgusted. Now, I'm just as afraid..afraid I'm waking my hubby two floors up with my laughing!
You're a Hip Chick already, you don't need to pee standing up to prove it!

Robyn said...

What do you mean, they pee in a trough?

Robyn said...

You're right they do pee in a trough. Well I never.

homespun living said...

Suzanne, thank you for giving me a good laugh this morning! Apparently I have been living under a rock also. Will have to talk with my husband tonight...
Deb :)

bj said...

amen.....I say....AMEN