Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Suz-Annie Get Your Gun

I'm looking for a gun.

Why, you ask? Because there's a critter that's asking for it.

Don't get me wrong, I love nature. I've read all of naturalist Loren Eisley's essays and I even go on eco-tourist vacations.

No one was more anxious than myself for winter to end and spring to take it's place. I dreamed about throwing open the windows to the breezes and the tranquility of our rural location. Nature in all it's glory exists just outside my bedroom window.

Tranquility. Until this year.

A bird has taken up residence in the neighborhood. He's crazy, neurotic and the Johnny Two-Note of the avian world. Seriously, what is wrong with this bird?

twee-too
twee-too

..... he chirps in couplets lasting approximately 1 1/2 seconds. I timed them. Crazy, huh? Timing bird calls is the desperate action of someone being slowly driven mad by a bird.

twee-too
twee-too

..... inflections up, inflections down. The second sounding like B-flat. It's the auditory version of Chinese water torture...drip, drip, drip.

twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too, twee-too,

Well, you get the idea. From just before dawn till 7 in the evening. Let's do the math.

13 hours x 60 minutes x 60 seconds = 46,800 seconds
Divide that by 1.5 (a couplet of twee-too's every 1.5 seconds) = 31,200

Yeah, at LEAST that many.

If this is a mating call this dude is grossly ineffective.

Oh no, the call just changed. He's dropped the twee and we're getting a extended string of too's.

Photobucket

I think he's in that dark tree. From my second floor vantage point it's clear that my neighbor's little silver plated derringer ain't gonna do the job. I'll need something with a high powered scope.

I think he's hiding in that darker tree. He better find a new territory, if he knows what's good for him.

16 comments:

Michelle said...

Oh, you poor thing. You could set the tree on fire! Do you have a cat you could send up? Maybe there are several of them, and they are taking turns. I hope the bird(s) finish their chorus soon. Keep us updated.

Debbie said...

Suzanne, dear; perhaps NOW would be a good time for you to go on one of those eco-friendly vacations and hope that in your absence he will move on.:D
Debbie

chocolatechic said...

I laugh at your plight.

I laugh only because I have the same problem.

We have a be-be gun, but there is no shooting off fire arms inside the city limits.

Maybe you can run at the tree screaming like a banshee and shake the tree.

Lisa D. said...

Oh Suzanne, I feel your pain! I'll send over my cousin - she's an excellent shot. There is not a squirrel around that dares set foot in her yard anymore (because, as adorable as squirrels are, they are very destructive).

Vee said...

I am not going to judge you. No. Personally, I think a warning shot fired over his head should be enough. :D Perhaps you can tie some aluminum pie plates in the tree???

MelissaD said...

Aahhh - I feel your pain. We had a mockingbird take up residence in a tree right outside my son's bedroom. Lovely repertoire - at least 20 different sounds - very talented bird! However, from early dawn to 7am every single freaking morning for weeks? NOT so lovely - my son was ready strangle the bird if he got the chance!
Not sure how to make yours leave - maybe make the tree less desirable somehow?

StefRobrts said...

I feel for you! For a while we had a wood pecker who would land on the roof right above the bedroom and start pecking around first thing in the morning. It was like waking up to a machine gun at dawn! So I would run out on the deck in my bathrobe and jump around and wave like an idiot, and eventually he decided that was enough of that. You might try it - your bird might decide to move on :)

Marfa (Crafting Marfa) said...

That sounds sooooo annoying! Why not take a page from the movie Steel Magnolias? Take a bunch of fireworks to the tree and and make 'em go off. Sort of like the bride's father and brothers did in the movie to get rid of the birds before the wedding. If that doesn't scare the beeswax out of that bird, nothing will.

Thoughts on Life and Millinery. said...

We used to have a grey tabby female that hated repetitive bird calls. She would be awaken by a mockingbird in the middle of the night, give the window a cold hard stare and the next morning all that was left of the bird were a few feathers.

Mockingbirds drive me crazy.

Mary Rex said...

I have been there! The fireworks idea sounds like a winner. Inexpensive too.

I did stay up one night just listening to a mockingbird. Pretty amazing as long as you do not have to sleep for any reason!

Squeak said...

Here are 2 bird stories:

1. I live across the street from an apartment building. One afternoon several summers ago when I was in my bedroom with the window open, I heard a man say, "If you don't f*ing shut up, I'm going to f*ing kill you!". "Oh my God!, I thought, "Someone's going to get murdered!" There had already been one murder in the building a year earlier. I peeked out the window and there was the guy, on his balcony, talking to a seagull. I laughed so hard, I almost peed myself.

2. It gets pretty noisy around here (Victoria, Canada) between the seagulls, the crows and umpteen songbirds. And I live right in the city. My sister, who lives in the suburbs, came to stay with me briefly while her house was being renovated. The morning after her first night here, she said to me, "Do those f*ing birds ever shut up?"

Nance said...

I think that may be worse than our local "whipoorwills" who call themselves. whipoorwill. whipoorwill. whip or will. whip or will. Whip or will. Whip or will. Whip or will. WHIP or will. WHIP or will. WHIP or will. WHIP or will. WHIP! or Will.
WHIP! or Will. WHIP or WIlL! WHIP OR WILL! WHIP OR WILL!!!!!

Suzann said...

I'm sorry. This kinda made me chuckle. Sometimes the simplest things can drive us to the edge of our sanity. Here's to listening to your i-Pod until Mr Birdie goes away.

techwriter said...

Go out there every morning, lunch, and dinner, greet him loudly, and shoot him with your camera. After a few days of your scaring off his potential mates, he'll find another tree. Then again, it could be a female with a nest. Removal of the nest (to your neighbor's tree?) might work.

Snappy Di said...

We have had a noisy bird for weeks that starts around 2AM outside the bedroom window and keeps it up ALL DAY LONG!!! I read that they do that when they are seeking a mate. So HURRY UP AND FIND ONE ALREADY BIRD!! Going to sign him up on a dating web site SOON!!

Di

Kelly Catalan said...

Hello there, I realize your blog is about 4 years old, but written at the same time of year as I am reading it. It was the number one answer to my google search for a damn bird who sings twee-too until I want to rip my hair out. Needless to say your blog made me smile.

So my big question.....what kind of bird IS it????? We have many different types on our property but I cannot for the life of me identify this sound! I also have no idea why I think that knowing what it is will make me feel better, but somehow I do.

So if you are still out there....
thanks a million!
Kelly